NewFrolic | Day 2/365 | When Mr. Hyde Keeps Coming Back, Stick to The Vision. What This 365 Journey is All About

And that’s when Mr. Hyde came back, whispering poison into my ear…

Who's going to believe you? Nobody! They're all going to think you're using excuses to save your skin.

Here's some shame and guilt, and the inability to tell what happened... because it sounds like whining, complaining, weakness...

Who's going to believe you? Nobody!

But how did I meet him? Well…

The first time it happened was after the two months following my optic neuritis and corticosteroid treatment, back in September 2014.

Corticosteroids are known to affect underlying anxiety that you may have.

And they did: count in the full blow of being given a Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis, count in not knowing much of this disease and you had my first anxiety outbreak with lots of rage sprinkled on top. And with lots of cheers from my public, of course.

The second one came after many people kept telling me that I am way to agressive since my diagnosis, and that I needed to calm down.

I got mad at them for saying those things, and I thought I would get better.

I was wrong. Enter the second anxiety attack: I was feeling guilty of how I was making others feel. I thought I was not being worthy of their understanding.

That left me feeling even more angry about my diagnosis, and why was this necessary, why did it have to happen to me? The public was in awe.

The third was before my lumbar puncture, in November 2014, when I nearly had a panic attack… BEFORE the needle went into my back!

Although I read all the information I could get my hands on, although I received many encouragements from my family, my neurologist and the guys from my online MS community… I pannicked.

But that got out of the way fast. My lumbar puncture went out without any nightmares and it was all OK in the end. The public was extatic.

The fourth time was after a full morning of pins and needles in the right eye, where I had the optic neuritis that lead to being diagnosed.

I took all the antinflamatory stuff that usually made me better: vitamin D3 supplements, turmeric tea with honey. I ate some fish and it gradually dissapeared, as I took time to rest.

But my anxiety didn’t, and guess what? I had a full outburst, tears, anger and all the scary stuff. The public was fascinated, to say the least!

After all that, having a conversation with people that also know Dr. Jerkyll (my own self outside Multiple Sclerosis), helped me remember how strong I really was.

MS was just the cheating, backstabbing entity that it was, and that I had to ignore most of the time.

Many years ago, when I got my diagnosis, I promised myself that it will not get the best of me.

Until today…

This is what I wrote down as I felt Hyde creeping in, taking control of my focus, and making me cry, feeling helpless:

“You will NOT take away my thinking, my imagination and my wit! YOU ARE NOT!

I will battle you will all my strenght! Full speed! You WILL NOT take my thinking away, f*ck you, Multiple Sclerosis! F*CK YOU!

I almost had a pannick attack when thinking about my... thinking being taken away by you! F*ck you, MS!

Having me hyperventilating and making a fool of myself at the most basic sh*t at work… at my pride and joy!

F*CK YOU, MS!

The amount of guilt and shame these small, crappy things create inside me is... over-F*CKING-whelming!

Because people don't get it, and they're not guilty of it. At all!

How can you understand something that seems like stupidity, or carelessness?

And being in a professional environment, it's about the biz, not about charity for the handicapped!

I take no offence! I know how it is! When disability impairs your actions, it’s considered a handicap.

The terms are not synonims, yet they’re cause and effect. Disability can become a handicap if left untreated, or if it becomes permanent.

People can be kind, awesome humans, yet at the end of the day, when they have their own business, it's about the bottom line. Nothing personal.

Yet the shame and guilt can still appear in this case, because people rely on me to do a great job, yet I f*ckin' stumbled on a drop down message and some short copy, because I wasn't able to fully focus, and felt rushed? WTF!!!!!

Who's gonna believe that? Who's gonna believe it's not an excuse to save my a*s? And not because they want to accuse me, but… that’s how it f*ckin’ looks!

Oh, but I'm gonna trump you, MS! If it takes me a lifetime, I WILL trump you! Nobody threatens my thinking, my writing ability! NO-F*CKIN’-BODY! NO ONE!

Especially not a disease that acts like a (pardon my French!) p*ssy in the face of inflammation: eating my brain out!

WTF, stupid MS?! Is it you I have to defend myself from? The most cowardly and insidious disease I came to know? :)))) WTF!?

When I write I get my focus back. I'm better now, calmed down just by writing this down.

From all that anxiety, guilt and shame, back to calm again. See, f*ckin’ disease o’mine? You’re NOT going to get ANY more pieces of me! S*ck it!

P.S. Oh, and it does another thing: it makes me doubt myself. Mind, body, actions, reactions, all of it. It zapps my self-confidence by rendering me as unreliable.

F*CK YOU IF YOU WILL DO THAT EVER AGAIN! F*CK YOU! NO MORE, you prick! No more!

P.P.S. It makes me angry! ANGRY! From all that sadness and angst, there comes my MR. HYDE again! But he’s already leaving. I’m calm now.

The good part? I'm creative when having deep emotions! :)) I now have the topic for this evening's NewFrolic 2/365 :))))”

And this is how today’s article came to be! I’m documenting, remember? Yet, you may think what does this have to do with branding, wine & stories, Denisa?

Well, they’re connected within the journey. Yesterday I talked about alignment, good vibes and feeling at ease. Yet life’s made out of good AND bad moments.

In order for this journey to be authentic, I promise you I’ll show up unfiltered. This is not a highlight reel, but a story about how one can design their life IN SPITE of all the obstacles, storytold in 365 days.

Why? Because I have a purpose, and I’m being led by vision. And that’s what I want to share with you this entire year.

Not to preach, but to go next to you, shedding a light about the part of the journey not so many talk about. The 360 degrees view of going after the life you want. Showing you it is possible!

Cheers! See you tomorrow!

Denisa